You
are being oppressed.
No
one invented the sock – at least no one that I can find on
Wikipedia – which is annoying, because the lack of a definite
target for the lynching that is sure to ensue after this vitriolic
piece of hate-speech reaches the masses is, at best, worrying. I know
for a fact my readership consists mainly of crowbar-wielding,
high-blood-pressure knife enthusiasts, and I like to give you all
what you want. Scapegoats, we hunt them by the dozen. But NO! No
traceable lineage for the inventor of this idol of capitalist
oppression exists for us to direct our rage towards, but come with
me, my people, and we will find our villain.
Socks
are shit. I buy about fifty of the fucking things a year. (ok,
probably fifty individual socks, so maybe twenty-five pairs... and to
be fair even that is an exaggeration, but fuck off who's counting?)
No sooner do I get them home from whichever store was in my line of
sight when I realized that my shoes were carving flesh-holes out of
the bottoms of my feet, than they start to fall apart. Socks aren't
built to last guys, they're not long term investments... and yet they
cost SO MUCH FUCKING MONEY. Why do you think homeless people spend
all their time sitting down, mournfully propped up against
shop-fronts on busy metropolitan streets? Is it because they are so
weak from lack of energy, and the depression at their sorry situation
pervades their souls so completely that they cannot bring themselves
to fight against gravity for another second? NO! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN
MEAN?... the homeless are no stupid few, they are some resourceful
fuckers. They refuse to walk, to stand, or even use their feet,
because they KNOW that as soon as you put pressure on your
three-dollar cotton bonds, they'll wear through and you'll be back in
the line at target, forking out another five dollars for a piece of
material barely worth half as many cents.
I
bought some new socks the other day. “Why did you buy socks Taco?
What's the deal with that? You sit here and rail against the
capitalist oppression of superfluous pedalian apparel (pedalian,
it's an adjective, it means foot. LOOK IT UP!) but you can't even
give us a solution? WHAT KIND OF REVOLUTIONARY ARE YOU?” I didn't
know when I bought them; the lightning bolt was yet to strike me, but
strike it did, and from the ground up too – like a huge mass of
electrons being discharged from the surface of the earth and
dispersing into the atmosphere. (oooooooh clever) I have it people,
it was all so simple.
Why wear socks, which always, always, ALWAYS fucking break or smell or get lost and then you only have one left and your housemate goes “hey dude why are there all these odd socks under the couch in the living room” and you say, “THAT'S NOT EVEN MY SOCK DUDE WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”... Why let that happen? When there is a perfectly accessible and reasonable substitute sitting just under our noses. I'll say it once, and only once, and you can all try it for yourselves. Baby Powder.
Why wear socks, which always, always, ALWAYS fucking break or smell or get lost and then you only have one left and your housemate goes “hey dude why are there all these odd socks under the couch in the living room” and you say, “THAT'S NOT EVEN MY SOCK DUDE WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”... Why let that happen? When there is a perfectly accessible and reasonable substitute sitting just under our noses. I'll say it once, and only once, and you can all try it for yourselves. Baby Powder.
Just
let that sink in for a second. Allow yourselves to be swept up and
carried off on the wave of understanding. The tide of knowledge. The
inevitable winds of change... they blow, my friends, and the blow for
us. Why should we pay fucking eighty dollars a year for socks that
will inevitably frustrate and infuriate us when they are lost, will
become thin and pathetic after two washes, and will smell like SHIT,
when you can just sprinkle a little baby powder inside your shoes
before you chuck them on every day? I'm not saying it's perfect, but
I'm going to give it a shot. An honest shot. No revolution was won in
a day, comrades... I'm willing to take the plunge.
If any of you are still loyal to your precious foot-gloves, then by all means, keep beating your heads against the steel girder of planned-obsolescence and pay, pay, pay to the overpriced overlords that control our society's sock supply. But if you, like me, and so many others before us, wish to affect REAL, TANGIBLE, PALPABLE CHANGE IN THE WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE... then throw away your socks today. Go out and buy some Johnson and Johnson baby powder, and begin your life anew. And to make up for the sock's other use, guys... stop being a lonely weirdo and do it into an empty bag of chips like the rest of us.
Peace, Taco.
If any of you are still loyal to your precious foot-gloves, then by all means, keep beating your heads against the steel girder of planned-obsolescence and pay, pay, pay to the overpriced overlords that control our society's sock supply. But if you, like me, and so many others before us, wish to affect REAL, TANGIBLE, PALPABLE CHANGE IN THE WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE... then throw away your socks today. Go out and buy some Johnson and Johnson baby powder, and begin your life anew. And to make up for the sock's other use, guys... stop being a lonely weirdo and do it into an empty bag of chips like the rest of us.
Peace, Taco.
baby powder + sweat = cream cheese
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